Watching harry potter and the Chamber of secrets tonight. Caleb said "I like the book a lot better." Adam said, "dude, the book is always better."

Parenting win!

“Returning violence for violence multiplies violence, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. ” - MLK Jr. #Dallas

For mother's Day

These are my children.
They're dirty, smelly snots.
They're obnoxious and loud
Little tiny hell-bots.
But they're mine and I love them;
They're perfect to me.
My joy, my frustration,
My eternity.
They're my smile, my scowl,
My kind word, my yell.
They lift me to Heaven
Then put me through Hell.
My angels, my devils,
My reason for living.
They're stealing my soul
And I'm willingly giving.

My biggest pet peeve/my greatest hypocrisy

I have now listened to all of conference. Believe it or not, my favorite talk came from the Relief Society session. Henry B. has long been one of my favorites. You can feel how much he feels the Spirit.  And he speaks to my spirit.
"Trust in that Spirit which leadeth to do good" was a great talk! We talk about service so much in the church, specifically the women, but president Eyring touched on something that drives me crazy. It seems to me that so many in the church want to be seen doing their good. I am not saying their intentions aren't good. It's 100% possible to serve and love someone and yet want to be seen for it. This is why in the title I say it's my greatest hypocrisy. I lose so much respect for people that tell me of the good they are doing, yet when I do something good I want to make sure and squeeze it into conversation. Drives me crazy for them, drives me crazy for myself. Good news: I'm very self aware. :)
My favorite part of this talk was when he spoke of the woman who anointed Jesus' feet. Jesus says in Mark 14:9: "wheresoever this gospel shall be preached throughout the world, this also that she hath done shall be spoken of for a memorial of her."
And isn't that true? This woman, who is otherwise unremarkable, made the Gospels.
President Eyring goes on to say, her "holy deed to honor the Savior of the world is remembered, but not her name."
That sentence was my favorite of all of conference. Why show your left hand what the right does? Isn't God seeing it and being appreciative better than the world? I know I would rather have the gratitude of my Savior than that of the world. Anyway, the world generally isn't grateful. They will find something to scorn or pick apart.
Sister Esplin in her talk quoted President Monson, "we are the Lord's hands here upon the earth, with the mandate to serve and to lift His children. He is dependent upon each of us."
The Lord depends upon me. And if he depends on me, why should I care that the world sees my service? I know he does.

Easter

Every year for spring break we go to Utah to see Kyle's family. They aren't members of the church and I am always a little let down on Easter. I want my kids to have a great Easter experience where they feel of their Savior's love and get to hear testimony that He lived and lives still. With each Easter that passes I feel sadder and sadder. Easter, to me, is the most important Christian holiday. We make a big deal of Christmas, but without the Resurrection, Christ's birth wouldn't mean what it does. I wonder if my kids know what Easter means to me? I wonder if they understand that Jesus Christ has saved me? I wonder if they know that He has made our family possible? Without Him we wouldn't be together for eternity. That might be a tough concept for kids, but it is one that I sure hope they understand soon.
This morning we were driving home from Utah during the sunrise. As I thought of the sun rising, I was impressed with the great engineering of the Lord. He made a beautiful plan. Everything has an answer. This is going to sound a bit little a ramble, so stay with me for a second. Just think of some of the "natural" occurrences of our every day: the earth goes around the Sun so we can rest at night, women have babies to replenish the Earth, something as simple as the water cycle. Again, I know that sounds like random things, but I am just spit balling here. How could those things ever be thought to be accidental, or without a Master planner behind them? I don't know who said it, but someone said the idea of a Big Bang is like imagining a printing press blowing up and the result being an encyclopedia. It's madness. Life and nature are far too intricate to be incidental.
Our Heavenly Father engineered a perfect plan to redemption. Without our Savior's Resurrection, we could not hope to return to His presence. He is the answer to our Humanity. Our failings and struggles are made whole with His help.
My Savior loves me. He has saved me countless times and will continue to do so. I am so glad He is there for me to lean on in my need.
My Savior loves you too.

Ruth

You know something...
The church is incredible.
The Spirit is amazing.

For just a wee bit of reference, in December we were handed out the Relief Society schedule for the year. Every fast Sunday we would be studying one of the women of the Bible for the presidency message. Nothing extraordinary. All normal church type stuff.
March fast Sunday was the story of Ruth, someone I knew nothing about. And honestly, I didn't even pay that much attention... then today, my Father-in-law was diagnosed with staged 4 cancer. And my mother in law needs support. And I can't stop thinking about Ruth and her loyalty and love for her Mother-in-law. Ruth's example deepens my own resolve and compassion and I am inspired.
The Spirit told someone 4 months ago to put Ruth this month. A few days before I would need her story so very much. That is amazing and incredible.

Alas!

Sometimes my library makes me sad. I would add 12,000 books, and yet I don't have the infinite time for the reading I would do. Even for the books I own.
I'd read all the classics, and Shakespeare I'd memorize. New adventures and worlds I'd discover. I wish I could reread each book I've loved so I could remember every detail.
But time waits for no man. It ticks and my books collect dust, begging me to get to them. I'm trying. For the love of all written word, I'm trying!!! Please know I love you all, with you twist and turns and endless entertainment. I love you all.

New Testament

Easter is around the corner. And I finished the Book of Mormon about a week ago. It's time for a new goal, y'all. I am excited to start the New Testament today. What better time to read about the life of Christ than nearing the most important holiday in Christianity? I mean, Christmas is a big deal, but the truth is Christ's birth isn't the most important part of the plan of Salvation, is it? Nope, that honor belongs to the Atonement. I am excited for this next goal. I have 29 days before Easter and a 30 day plan for the New Testament. I am going to have to double down one day, but I'm sure I can handle it. I've read the New Testament before and I actually find it rather easy reading. At least compared to some of the drier parts of the Book of Mormon. Isaiah, anyone?
Speaking of the Book of Mormon, my awesome husband gave his first lesson in Gospel Doctrine today. He did great! And he publicly thanked me for all my help. It was rather sweet. I LOVE helping him prepare. We spent hours together this weekend, pouring over the information, finding clips and quotes, and editing what we'd chosen. I loved it. It's better than a date, honestly. On a date you eat food and watch movies, and still play games on your phone sometimes... Rolling up your sleeves and working together is a horse of a different color. Bouncing ideas off each other and sharing knowledge is sexier than just about anything. I would definitely recommend that if your spouse has a calling that they could use help with, help them! You won't regret it!
Wish me luck with my reading. Or join me. Again, you won't regret it.

Finished!

Whew! All done. I read the Book of Mormon in 30 days. Now I need a new goal....

I am not doing fabulously right now. I've had a very depressing and hard week. I let myself have a pity week. I was lazy and unhappy all week, and this morning when it came time for church, I just couldn't muster the energy needed to listen to testimonies.

Stupid week. 

I'm over it now. It's Sunday night and I'm committing to having a good week. I will do what I gotta do and stop being a whiner.

Okay, in less depressing things, I am nearly done with the Book of Mormon. I started January 21st, so I'm pretty proud of myself. So what happened, was that last January 20th, I went to the temple. As I was praying beforehand, to feel the Spirit and such, I prayed to have my testimony of the Book of Mormon strengthened. The thought immediately came into my mind, "well, read it dummy!"

I don't know if the Spirit called me a dummy or if I added that part. I don't think it matters. I deserved to be called a dummy. It makes sense. How can I want strengthening without any work? Silly me.

So that's about it. I am simultaneously having a bad time and also have a grand life. I figure that means I get to pick which one I focus on. Last week I focused on the bad, from now on, it's all good! :)

Something Nerdy to Remember

Sometimes I just write things here so I don't forget them. Don't mind me, I'm a little sentimental, and I fear my memory may not always be the vault it is today.
Today I was in Hot Topic with my family and we were looking at a necklace of the T.A.R.D.I.S. and Adam, who possibly could not be cooler if he tried, said to me, "you should open it. It's probably bigger on the inside."
I swear I smiled for the next 30 minutes thinking of the nerdiness he has inherited. Nerdiness, coolness... potato, potahto.

Poetry

Sometimes I have a hard time reading the Book of Mormon. Sometimes it is hard, tedious, boring. Sometimes I just don't have the patience to understand. Or perhaps it is the Spirit I lack. I don't really know. Then sometimes the words singg to me. They come off the page and straight into my heart. This is the gem I came across tonight:

"My soul hath been redeemed from the gall of bitterness and bonds of iniquity. I was in the darkest abyss; but now I behold the marvelous light of God. My soul was wracked with eternal torment; but I am snatched, and my soul is pained no more." Mosiah 27: 29

No one paints a picture of repentance the way Alma does. It is probably why his words speak to me so well. I have felt the pain and known the darkest abyss brought on by sin.
Oh, but I have seen the glorious light of God as well. I have cried to Him and in His endless mercy He has answered and given me life. He blesses me continually and forgives me more than I deserve. And it is wonderful to me.

New calling

Not for me, for Kyle. He was finally released from scouts, a calling he really couldn't stand. Now he will be Gospel Doctrine teacher.
I am really excited about this. Probably more so than he is. I think he's actually excited for the experience, but nervous about being the one people see as the person who should have answers to their gospel questions. I get it. That's a lot of pressure.
One of my goals this year was to do scripture reading with Kyle three times a week. We failed last week. But I am thinking maybe this calling is a blessing to help us achieve our goal. We love studying together. We really do! We learn so much and have so much fun. But we also like TV. And vegging out in bed after a day of work and children. But his calling requires a lot of study. So, here's to accomplishing more goals than last year!

2016

I always like to write down my goals. However, I accomplish very few of them. In fact, last year I made ten goals, with very detailed plan on how to accomplish them. Of the ten, I completed one. And it was a simple one. The only goal I achieved was not buying any new books for myself. Getting them as presents was not off limits however, so my library was still getting fresh blood. All I really had to do was put a book in my amazon cart and my husband would eventually get it for me. I am ashamed to say, I only completed one of my ten goals and it was kind of because of a loop hole. For Shame.
This year is gonna be different! I know I think this every year, but 2016 is gonna stick. I saw someone post on facebook something about their goal book. Basically a weekly planner that she used to keep herself on track. I am really excited about this idea. I constantly have a book in my purse anyway, it may as well help me accomplish something.
In 2016 I will:
     1. Reach my goal weight of 120 lbs by April 29th. I know weight goals seem so trivial, especially since I am not truly overweight, however, on April 29th, I turn 30. I can't turn 30 and still have fat from Lily hanging on to me. The girl is over three! I need to have some accountability!
     2. Visit teach every month. I did pretty well at this last year, but this year I am going to do even better!
     3. Make one new recipe a month. Last year my goal was a new recipe every two weeks, I probably made 3 new recipes all year. I just have a hard time because kyle is so unenthusiastic about new food. He's unenthusiastic, but that doesn't mean he doesn't eat it. He will just learn to eat what I make. Eventually he'll like something.
     4. Go to the gym 3 times a week. Besides just my weight goals, I would like to actually be in better shape. Not looks wise, but I'd like to be able to run and not be weary.
     5. Have dinner as a family at least twice a week. This sounds ridiculous right? I am a total failure as a mother. Kyle and I usually eat in front of the TV while the kids sit at the table. Twice a week may not seem like enough, but I will have a hard time even accomplishing that. And this one is totally on me. I can't stand listening to people eat or really make any noise... In fact, just today I left the steam room at the gym after just a minute, because I couldn't listen to people wiping the water off of them. It's a sickness.

Kyle and I also have family goals to accomplish. I guess the family dinner thing could go here, but I blame myself for that one, so it goes in personal. I am the mother after all. It's my job to make this mish mash of people a family. This year as a family we will:
     1. Go to the temple once a month. We did pretty well last year, but not great. 2014 was our best year so far. Gotta get back to that record.
     2. Read the scriptures three times as week. This isn't just a five minute read though, this is when we pull out our scripture guide and spend a good half hour or more really diving in. I love when we do it this way. I get a lot our of it, even if we don't do it as often as scripture reading should probably happen.
     3. Go to church every Sunday. We are not inactive, don't get me wrong. But we have a slightly lazy approach to church. It is hard for me to want to go. This year I am going to have us do a little bit better. I want to make sure I am setting the right example for my kids.
     4. "Ponderize" every week. I really hate that term, so I drag my feet to call it that, but honestly, I really like the program. My kids did really well when we were doing it constantly. I just need to be better about it.

That is it. That is my plan for 2016. I have many more things to work on, but I am starting slow. I am being realistic about my goals and expectations.

Wish me luck!!!

This week's scripture

D&C 46:32 And ye must give thanks unto God in tbe Spirit for whatsoever blessing ye are blessed with.

We are going to focus on gratitude all month long. We have activities everyday to remind us to be grateful. I figured our scripture should match.

Ponderizing week 3

Technically this would be week 4, however, we didn't get a new scripture up last week. This week's is John 3:5. It is saying baptism is essential to celestial glory. I picked it because caleb will be baptised in about 3 weeks. Caleb is my star ponderizer. He has memorized all of the scriptures, so this one is just for him.

Lily's song

Stuck in the car for a long time listening to this song on repeat from Lily: "A B C S G, how I number what you are." 😊

"What lack I yet?" Larry R Lawrence

I love this talk. I am doing this in my car before leaving on a field trip with Caleb. So my notes are a little all over the place. Dont hold it against me.
The holy ghost gives honest counsel. He tells us things no one else knows or has the courage to say. He bears truth if we are willing to listen to it.
We need to be humble enough to ask the question, and faithful enough to follow through with the counsel we are given. I have to wonder at the pontential of the rich young man. If he had listened to the Savior, what could he have become? How sad that he stunted his own growth for money. We are given line upon line of improvement so we aren't overwhelmed.
Elder Lawrence recommends the sacrament as a time to quietly ask the father what we lack. The atonement makes our improvement possible.
I love the personal-Ness of the answers the holy ghost gives in his examples. Sometimes the answers are not super gospel related, but things that are just needed for our growth.

Perfection is not for this life, but growth is. He quotes President Spencers W. Kimball "“I have learned that where there is a prayerful heart, a hungering after righteousness, a forsaking of sins, and obedience to the commandments of God, the Lord pours out more and more light until there is finally power to pierce the heavenly veil. ... A person of such righteousness has the priceless promise that one day he shall see the Lord’s face and know that he is.”
I think this is exactly what I am looking for. My temple experience was seeking to pierce the heavenly veil. I am obviously not ready, but if I continue to hunger and chase righteousness I am promised that some day I will see the Lord's face.

Week 2

Our scripture this week is D&C 10:5.
Pray always that you may come off conquerer; yeah that you may conquer satan, and that you may escape the hands of the servants of Satan that do uphold his work.

Caleb is the only one that memorized last week. He is my rock star. I think we needed an easier verse and one that is more meaningful to them. Hopefully we do better this week.

"Yielding our hearts to God" Neill Marriott

This talk was very much about having faith. Leaving things in the Lord's hands. "It'll all work out." I feel blessed to have a very calm spirit. I generally believe that things will work out. My levels of stress are rather low in times of catastrophe.
Kyle and I went to the temple yesterday. I prayed very earnestly to feel the spirit and have a real confirmation of temple work. Don't get me wrong. I believe in everything we do in the temple. What I am asking for is an unshakeable knowledge. I want a testimony so strong that Satan shakes at the sight of me. I've been doing everything right recently on this journey of looking for it and i was kind of looking for that moment where the clouds part and I see the Savior. I didn't get it yesterday. I had a nice time in the temple. Kyle and I were the witness couple and were even told we are a delight by the officiator. It was lovely. But there was no opening of Heaven and cherubim singing. I thought I might be disappointed. But I'm okay. It'll work out. Either I will continue in faith, or I'll get a sure knowledge someday.
I talked to Kyle yesterday about our sabbath worship. We do okay on Sundays. We don't shop or do inappropriate things, but all conference, and especially after this talk, I felt that there was more yet to be done. I have asked the Lord what I lack and He has shown me. I am really excited to reform our Sundays. I have lots of ideas and kind of can't wait for tomorrow. What a nice feeling.